Re: Jokes

**Brotherofzit** Thu Oct 16, 2008 9:39 am

Luv it!!!!
rofl

**jimmi28** Thu Oct 16, 2008 10:21 am

Hahahaha nice one! laugh

**Antwally0** Fri Oct 17, 2008 2:05 am

Guy is dancing at a night club and sees a beautiful woman.
He slides up and asks her to dance and away they go. After a while his passions get the better of him and he leans in and says," I'd like to cover your tits with cream and lick it all off." The woman is outraged and tells him that her boyfriend is here and he is a biker, so he better keep those comments to himself. A minute later he leans in and says," I want to rip off all your clothes and go for it like animals". The woman is outraged again and is about to get her boyfriend but the man pleads for one last chance. "Okay but keep your dirty comments to yourself", she says. The man agrees but still can't control himself so a minute later says," I'd like to fill your snatch with beer and drink from it all night long". "That's it", says the woman and goes to her boyfriend who is the biggest, nastiest biker you have ever seen.
She points to the man and tells her boyfriend about the first remark. The biker gets up and starts looking around with murder in his eyes. She tells him about the second comment and he tears off his biker vest and starts to push past his biker mates towards the man. She tells him the third comment the man made. The biker stops, picks up his vest and sits back down. "Aren't you going to sort this bloke out", she exclaims. The biker replies, "I'm not fighting any bloke that can drink that much beer!!!".

**Antwally0** Fri Oct 31, 2008 5:46 am

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'

**rasskul** Fri Oct 31, 2008 6:07 am

LMAO!! farken GOLD!

**Something8r** Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:37 am

A father passing by his sons bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son Darren
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Chris's house.
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my desk drawer.
I love you. Text me when it's safe to come home.

**Cholesterol** Sat Nov 01, 2008 9:54 am

lol thats awesome Something I shall be doing something of the sort when my parents see my Religion Report

**Brotherofzit** Sat Nov 01, 2008 12:58 pm

The scene is set - a dark night, cold
wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark
sky.

Three hang-glider pilots are sitting by the campfire, one
from Australia, one from Seth Efrika and one from New Zulland. Each
embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.

The night of tales begins...

Kiven, the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es.
Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp
and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled
him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends eh! "
Hansie from Seth Efrika who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you
guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny
trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move
on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head orff
ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm
still here today"

Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.

**Attack** Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:13 pm

Hahaha funny shit lol

**Newyboy** Sun Nov 02, 2008 1:13 am

top stuff guys
topstuff

**Cholesterol** Thu Nov 06, 2008 11:11 pm

4 MAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Wind window down

3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN

4) Retrieve cash

5) Drive away

WOMAN:

1) Pull up to machine

2) Open door (too far away from machine)

3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card

4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair

5) Insert Card

6) Remove card

7) Insert card the correct way up

Cool

Search for piece of paper with PIN on it

9) Enter PIN

10) Enter correct PIN

11) Retrieve cash, put in bag

12) Drive off

13) Reverse back to machine

14) Retrieve card

**jimmi28** Thu Nov 06, 2008 11:15 pm

Hahaha nice one chol

**Brotherofzit** Thu Nov 06, 2008 11:24 pm

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . .. .POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! .. . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

**oldboi3** Fri Nov 07, 2008 6:43 am

Don't remember play'n golf tho. grin

Regards oldboi

**Antwally0** Fri Nov 07, 2008 7:45 am

AHAHAAA!!! rofl

dem some good ones!!!! And i'm with oldboi!!

**Brotherofzit** Fri Nov 07, 2008 11:31 am

ORDER IN THE COURT!

Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
to you on the first of April of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him... "Take me young man... Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!".....................

………..And that's when I shot the little bastard!

**Jackal** Fri Nov 07, 2008 11:39 am

haha nice

**oldboi3** Sat Nov 08, 2008 12:25 am

Regards oldboi

**Attack** Sat Nov 08, 2008 11:56 pm

lolz nice one topstuff

**Jackal** Sun Nov 09, 2008 5:07 am

WHY WORRY?

There are only two things to worry about;
Either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about;
But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about;
Either you will get well, or you will die

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about;
If you die, there are only two things to worry about;
Either you will go to Heaven or Hell

If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about;
But if you go to Hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking
hands with friends, you won't have time to worry!

**Antwally0** Mon Nov 10, 2008 5:46 am

LOL

Oh and Jackal, nice to see you have your list prioritised!!!! w00t

**Attack** Mon Nov 10, 2008 6:34 am

lolz nice 1 jackal like ant said nice to see u got it all prioritised yahoo

**Brotherofzit** Sat Nov 15, 2008 11:52 am

A young man named John received a parrot named 'Chief' as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite Words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the
parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
'May I ask what the turkey did?'

rofl

**oldboi3** Sat Nov 15, 2008 9:58 pm

Exrlnt.

Regards oldboi

**Antwally0** Mon Nov 17, 2008 9:18 am

**Jackal** Thu Nov 20, 2008 8:41 am

that was an awesome one brother ^^^^

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

Guest Thu Nov 20, 2008 9:35 am

Haha talk about a flamer!! Wherd u find that jackal?? sounds a bit like me dad tryna get our isp on the line. We waited for an hour and a half then they said they couldnt help and hung up stun

. Well done finding it anyway thumbsup

Guest Thu Nov 20, 2008 9:46 am

Heres one for the Aussies

A man was found on the footpath last night, he was obviosly drunk and had passed out. The police found him wearing a g-string, an all blacks shirt and high heels. The police felt sorry for the man and took the All Blacks shirt off him to save him further embaressment. ras

Q. What's the difference between an arsonist and the All Blacks?

A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 5 matches.

Q. Did you hear about the new All Black bra?

A. It's all support, but no cup.

What's the difference between Graham Henry and viagra?
Viagra gives you a semi

Sad thing is im kiwi, shows how much i support the Abs!! go the wallabies!!

**PilotWotnip** Thu Nov 20, 2008 9:55 am

im a kiwi.. fuck wallabies...

Guest Thu Nov 20, 2008 9:58 am

aww pilot dont be like dat, but i could piss u off by saying i have a wallabies jersey ras

**Brotherofzit** Thu Nov 20, 2008 10:13 am

PilotWotnip wrote:im a kiwi.. fuck wallabies...

See guy's,

This is what happens if siblings are allowed to breed!!!!

ras

**Antwally0** Thu Nov 20, 2008 2:14 pm

Dobbsy thats grouse mate!!!!

Guest Fri Nov 21, 2008 5:27 am

**Brotherofzit** Sat Nov 22, 2008 11:03 am

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never�achieved an orgasm.

Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure,�they decide to consult their Rabbi.
The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and�makes the following suggestion:

'Hire a strapping young man.�While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you.�That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.

�
�They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice.�They hire a�handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does�not help and the�wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the�Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make�love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go�home and hire, the same strapping young man.�The young man gets into bed with the�wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting�screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him�triumphantly,

'See that, you schmuck?� Now THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

**Jackal** Sun Nov 23, 2008 8:36 am

hahahahaah LOL

still laughing here!!!

**Antwally0** Sun Nov 23, 2008 10:30 am

OH LOL!!

Guest Mon Nov 24, 2008 4:49 am

haha nice one bro rofl

**Brotherofzit** Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:26 am

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
>>>>
>>>> Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
>>>>
>>>> I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
>>>>
>>>> Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
>>>> Government.
>>>>
>>>> We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the
>>>> People.
>>>>
>>>> The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
>>>>
>>>> And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
>>>>
>>>> Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
>>>>
>>>> So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
>>>>
>>>> Later that night,! he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up
>>>> to check on him.
>>>>
>>>> He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
>>>>
>>>> So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
>>>> asleep.
>>>>
>>>> Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the
>>>> door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed
>>>> with the nanny.
>>>> He gives up and goes back to bed.
>>>>
>>>> The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think
>>>> I understand the concept of politics now. '
>>>>
>>>> The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
>>>> think politics is all about.'
>>>>
>>>> The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working
>>>> Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being
>>>> ignored and the Future is in deep shit.'

**Fastmat** Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:31 am

lol thats cool
good one man

**Attack** Mon Nov 24, 2008 9:33 am

lol

Guest Mon Nov 24, 2008 10:04 am

haha nice

**oldboi3** Mon Nov 24, 2008 11:11 pm

Regards oldboi

**DETTONATOR** Thu Nov 27, 2008 10:06 am

How to Get Even With Someone

* Garage Sale
o Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, just come around back and come early!

* X-Rays at Airports
o Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials. An absolute classic...

* Oil Spot
o At night pour used oil underneath the victim's car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too.

* Flat Tire
o Very similar to the Oil Spot, but with a twist. Let most of the air out of one of your victim's tires. Keep doing this each night, and watch as they call a tow truck or the Automobile Club day after day. Odd how those new tires keep losing air, too.

* Paper Money
o Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. Another favorite...

* Fax Machines
o Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as Oil Spot.

* Dogs
o Purchase a silent dog whistle. In the early hours of the morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner awakes and disciplines the animal. When the owner goes back to bed repeat the process again.

**Attack** Thu Nov 27, 2008 11:52 am

**Antwally0** Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:17 am

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that
location.

She responds 'It's really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you
can smell the ocean.'

**Brotherofzit** Mon Dec 01, 2008 4:28 am

Classic!!

**oldboi3** Tue Dec 02, 2008 12:50 am

Note to self, don't give out address. NotFunny

Regards oldboi

**Attack** Tue Dec 02, 2008 6:25 am

lol Nice 1 Ant lol rofl

**Brotherofzit** Tue Dec 02, 2008 4:04 pm

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk:��to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie:��a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus:��a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mateshit:��all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor�
Shagman:��an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity�
Yabble:��the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans�
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.��

And for the Kiwi's amongst us:�
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.�

��

**Brotherofzit** Tue Dec 02, 2008 11:53 pm

WOMAN'S DIARY

28 July 2007 Saturday

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we
made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 28 July

Australia lost the cricket.

Gutted.

Got a root though.
�

�

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