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Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post  Irristable on Fri May 29, 2009 9:25 am

lol
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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Fri May 29, 2009 3:52 pm

when I get my supra i'm totally gettin like LOL WUT plates xD
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Fri May 29, 2009 4:45 pm

my mate got a supra not long ago and nearly wrote it off and killed us in the first week of having it.. sitting in the back seat looking out the back window at nepean river coming very close is not good! we were going 120 down an old road when we missed the corner and spun straight over the barrier towards the water Sad

NOT GOOD!
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Re: Jokes

Post  Chard on Sat May 30, 2009 11:43 am

l2driveimow
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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Sun May 31, 2009 2:23 pm

Chard wrote:l2driveimow


Last edited by Agouti on Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:36 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Fri Jun 05, 2009 10:54 am

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. >

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM


PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER



ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER



DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:


WOMAN HITLER


ROFLMAO

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Re: Jokes

Post  GR1MMR34P3R on Fri Jun 05, 2009 1:01 pm

rofl, where the hell did u find that, that is funny shit rofl


Last edited by GR1MMR34P3R on Fri Jun 12, 2009 6:38 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Fri Jun 05, 2009 1:46 pm

the power of email

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

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Re: Jokes

Post  GR1MMR34P3R on Fri Jun 05, 2009 1:53 pm

i like it Smile
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Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.

Post  Agouti on Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:10 am

Funny, clever and true!

Now for some truly awful one liners

Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?
A: BINGO!

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It's a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. What do gay guys call condoms?
A. Mud flaps.

Q: What do a gay guy and an oven have in common?
A: They both brown your meat.

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Easy -- don't pay her.

Q: What is better than eating a mandarin?
A: Eating Amanda out.

Q: Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?
A: So you could read her lips!

Q: What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: What is the definition of trust?
A: Letting a cannibal give you a blow job.

Q: How do you know that an mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean

Q: What do you call five lesbians in a closet?
A: A licker cabinet

Q: Why are pubic hairs curly?
A: So you don't poke your eye out.

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me, I'm going in!

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there.

Q: What does a girl and a plane have in common?
A: They both have cockpits.

-- Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
-- Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
-- Sex is like bridge game: don't need partner if you have good hand.
-- Sex is like a bank account: Once you take it out you loose interest.
-- Did you hear about the man who joined a nudist colony? The first day was his hardest.





Q: What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?
A: Bubblegum -- and you should be ashamed of yourself.
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Re: Jokes

Post  SG|.Nefariiou$ on Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:32 am

Agouti wrote:Q: How do you know that an mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean


true story,i used to work in a garage in the school holidays,the appentice jeff
always had filthy hands.one day he went to have lunch with his missus
when he got back two of his fingers were spotless.the old guys fell about laughing their sacks off but being that i was only 8 i didnt get the joke.reading that brought it all flooding back.so 21 years later i finally get what was so funny. rofl
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Sat Jun 06, 2009 5:37 am

Agouti wrote:
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: What do a gay guy and an oven have in common?
A: They both brown your meat.

Q: What do Eskimos and Tupperware have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: What is the definition of trust?
A: Letting a cannibal give you a blow job.

Q: What did the penis say to the condom?
A: Cover me, I'm going in!

Damn good shit man!! ROFLMAO

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Sat Jun 06, 2009 8:57 am

LOL!! nice Agouti

Nefariiou$ wrote:
Agouti wrote:Q: How do you know that an mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean


true story,i used to work in a garage in the school holidays,the appentice jeff
always had filthy hands.one day he went to have lunch with his missus
when he got back two of his fingers were spotless.the old guys fell about laughing their sacks off but being that i was only 8 i didnt get the joke.reading that brought it all flooding back.so 21 years later i finally get what was so funny. rofl
lol

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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Sat Jun 06, 2009 3:42 pm

Q: What is christianity?

A: It is the belief that a two-
thousand-year-old jewish zombie
can make you live forever if
you symbolically eat his flesh
and telepathically tell him that
you accept him as your master,
so he can remove an evil force
from your soul that is present
in humanity because a rib-woman
was convinced by a talking snake
to eat an apple off a magical
tree in a wonderland.

FUKIN ROFL

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Sun Jun 07, 2009 11:57 am

Don't forget jesus was born to a women who had been married for 4 years and was still a virgin
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Re: Jokes

Post  GR1MMR34P3R on Sun Jun 07, 2009 1:35 pm

man....thats 1 cold bitch, being married for 4 years n not putting out once, sumthin is seriously wrong with that
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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Mon Jun 08, 2009 4:59 am

probably Joseph just couldn't get it up. Mary might have also been a bush pig ^_^
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Mon Jun 08, 2009 5:12 am

ROFLMAO rofl rofl rofl

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  GR1MMR34P3R on Mon Jun 08, 2009 5:29 am

pity for him viagra wasnt around back then
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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:02 am

They didn't even have paddlepop sticks and rubberbands

P.S. this thread is now under ownership of Satan Pty. Ltd.

You all have to pay royalties and usage fee of One (1) Soul, used.
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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:23 am

Can I get one off ebay?

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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Mon Jun 08, 2009 5:13 pm

lol someone DID sell a soul in a jar on ebay, not that long ago.
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Re: Jokes

Post  SL1c3r on Tue Jun 09, 2009 10:07 am

okay okay
prepare yourself for the best joke eva, EVA!!!!
*clears throat* Whats the difference between a Business Man and a Business Woman?

A Business Woman has boobs ^^
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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Wed Jun 10, 2009 8:47 am

mellow
... anywho, time for some blonde jokes... though they are bound to get bad Wink

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.


Q: How do you know a blonde's having a bad day?
A: Her tampon's behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q: What do blonde women put behind their ears to attract men?
A: Their ankles.

Q: What did the blonde do after she brushed her hair?
A: Pulled up her pants.

Q: How do you get a blonde out of a tree?
A: You wave at her

Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair?
A: Artifical intelligence.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
A: How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

She's so blonde she spent an hour looking at a bottle of detergent because it said "concentrate".


Q: Why are Blonde jokes one-liners?
A: So brunettes can understand them.
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Re: Jokes

Post  SL1c3r on Wed Jun 10, 2009 12:00 pm

i saw a bottle that said on the bottom "Open other end" and on the top it said "See instructions, other end"
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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:24 am

Please keep it clean guys

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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:28 am

Something8r wrote:Please keep it clean guys

Fucking ranga FU
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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Sat Jun 13, 2009 8:50 am

SepTriX wrote:Fucking ranga FU
nou


p.s is the host img button thingo (servimg.com one) broken for anyone else? I upload my img, grab the link, but the link never works... confused
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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Sun Jun 21, 2009 11:29 am

A CATTLE DOG STORY
> >>>Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia,
> >>>I
> >>>have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".
> >>>"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.
> >>>"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some
> >>>RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog.
> >>>Then
> >>>we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country
> >>>pub,
> >>>we'll show we really enjoy the bush".
> >>>"Right" said Julia.
> >>>Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set
> >>>off
> >>>from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just
> >>>the
> >>>place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub. They walked
> >>>in with the dog and up to the bar.
> >>>"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best
> >>>beer".
> >>>"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best
> >>>coming up."
> >>>Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and
> >>>chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink.
> >>>The dog
> >>>lay quietly at their feet.
> >>>All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a
> >>>grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the
> >>>cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged
> >>>his
> >>>shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came
> >>>another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted
> >>>its
> >>>tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other
> >>>bar.
> >>>Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came
> >>>in
> >>>and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled. Eventually, Rudd
> >>>and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.
> >>>"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look
> >>>under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"
> >>>"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog
> >>>in the bar with two arseholes"..

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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Sun Jun 21, 2009 11:31 am

ROFL brother always good stuff!!!

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Sun Jun 21, 2009 11:36 am

Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well, yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then, it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then, it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens, I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
Suit: - Well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house, it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then, it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never!
Suit: - Well, there you are! That's logical science at work!
Phil: - How's that ,then?
Suit: - Well, from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life.
Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Eric: - What's that, then?
Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker!

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Sun Jun 21, 2009 11:38 am





Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to�sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get�some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you �500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess�the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is�interested.

Sue told him that since her husband�Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house�around
2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. Sharp and, after paying Sue the agreed sum of �500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'

With a lump in her throat Sue�answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.'� Her�heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give�you �500?'

Sue, using her best poker face,�replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me �500.'

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and�borrowed �500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'

Now THAT, my �friends, is a poker player.

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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Wed Jun 24, 2009 1:52 am

Q: What do you put on a Big Cock?
A: A Big Condom.

Q: What do you out on a Small Cock?
A: A Small Condom.

Q: What do you put on a Soft Cock?
A: A New South Wales Jersey!!!


GO QLD!!!
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed Jun 24, 2009 7:58 am

lol septrix!!

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed Jun 24, 2009 12:34 pm

Stress Relief

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological tests.

The funny thing is that it works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream in the mountains.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding under the water.

See. You're smiling already.

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed Jun 24, 2009 12:36 pm

The Dangers of Bread

A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread- induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice....

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers. Please send this e-mail on to everyone you know who cares about this crucial issue.

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  GR1MMR34P3R on Wed Jun 24, 2009 4:17 pm

nice 1 on the stress relief, i can see myself holding your head underwater now Smile
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Mon Jun 29, 2009 8:28 am

Hilarious Transformers 2 Q&A Style "Review"
I saw this on another forum. There was no link to the source, someone just copied and pasted the text. I had no intentions of seeing this movie before, but now I am very interested. It's kind of long and contains spoilers so you've been warned...

>>Are there honestly 46 new Transformers in the movie?
I have no (bleep) clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.

>>What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film?
The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.

>>What?
Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their (bleep) lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.


>>Why is the U.S. military helping them?
Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight involving 50-foot robots and took place over five miles of downtown Los Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai, China, they seem to be incredibly (bleep) at their job.

>>How does the U.S. military help them?
Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the work.

>>Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?
Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film. At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever.

>>How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?
Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyways, the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than usual.

>>So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?
Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?

>>What?
That's what they said.

>>But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.
Yes.

>>...and now it can also bring him back to life.
It's very powerful, this Allspark.

>>Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it?
They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.

>>Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody?
Look, there's another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it doesn't matter.

>>Well, then why do they give a (bleep) about Sam?
The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him.

>>They weren't in the other shard?
Apparently not.

>>So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols, I guess?
Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as Sam. And they made her a huge slut.

>>Wait.
Waiting.

>>There's a slutty Decepticon?
Yeah, she's a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly powerful slut-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyways--

>>Didn't Sam touch the shard and get the symbols stuck in his head on his first day of college?
Yes.

>>So the Decepticons made a slutty robot to attend his college and enrolled her in classes and put her in on-campus housing just in case Sam ended up being important at some point in the future?
Apparently. It was an elaborate plan, but it sure paid off.

>>How so?
Well, not at all. The slut-bot made out with him for a little bit then immediately tried to kill him, neither for any apparent motive or gain.

>>It sounds preposterous.
Doesn't matter, because the Decepticons use the shard piece they do have to resurrect Megatron! He's back! Ooo! Scary!

>>Why is this scary? All he wanted was the Allspark, and now it's gone.
...because he has a boss! He's called the Fallen, because he's so evil! He has an evil plan to use a machine on Earth to blow up the sun and make energon! Or something! It's not very clear.



>>Now you're just making (bleep) up as you go along, aren't you?
Best not to think too much about it. Anyways, the symbols in the Beef's head are a map to where this machine exists, so the hunt is on and Sam shortly is captured by other, less slutty Decepticons in one of the many instances where Bumblebee inexplicably abandons the Beef so he can conveniently be in trouble.
Then a robot called the Doctor who speaks gibberish with a German accent shoves things up Shia's nose and gets the symbols.

>>That's that, then, right? The Decepticons win?
No! Because Optimus Prime saves Sam before they cut off his head, which has another treasure inside!

>>Really? What is that?
No one really bothers to explain this, actually. Suffice to say, the Decepticons continue to want Sam. Oh, then Optimus Prime fights three Decepticons at once and dies.

>>Where the hell were the other Autobots during this fight?
I don't know. They were with him before the fight, but then they disappear and show up right after he dies. But they appear sad about Optimus dying. Marginally. I mean, they don't get any screen time or dialogue to convey any feelings or anything, but there's some sad music playing for a little bit afterwards. I assume this means the robots that are off-screen are grieving.

>>Well, if one shard brought Megatron back to life, can't Sam just use his shard piece to resurrect Optimus?
Yes. He could.

>>...
...

>>Well?
He doesn't.

>>Why not?
I'm not sure exactly.

>>Then what the hell does he do?
He decides get those symbols that were in his head translated to figure out what the Fallen's up to.

>>Which Autobot does the translating?
Err... none of them. Actually, it's John Turturro.

>>What. The (bleep).
Yeah, since he was laid off from his super-secret government agent job, he now works in a NY deli and runs a super-popular Transformers conspiracy theory website. Like ya do.

>>And why couldn't an Autobot translate these symbols?
Because Bumblebee is mute and the Racist Twins are poor black robots from the slums of Cybertron who never learned how to read. It's a sad commentary on Cybertronian society. Like The Wire, actually.

>>Where the hell are the other Autobots?
I don't know. Away. They seem to be unable to be reached. They're probably grieving about Optimnus still. Clearly, John Turturro is the reasonable solution

>>So Turturro translates the symbols.
No, that would be silly. He does, in an incredibly bizarre series of connect-the-dots, lead them to Jetfire, an elderly and deceased Transformers whose corpse is hanging out in the Air & Space Museum.

>>What good is he dead?!
Ah! Remember the shard? Sam uses it to bring Jetfire back to life!

>>Not Optimus?
No! This way, Sam can get the symbols translated... so he can, er... find the ancient machine... that can, uh... possibly bring Optimus back to life.

>>You have to (bleep) be kidding me.
Moving on! Jetfire teleports everyone to Egypt, including some of the missing Autobots --

>>Wait, what? Teleports?
Yes, teleports.

>>Transformers don't teleport.
Jetfire does.

>>But -- wait a second, he's a (bleep) jet. He could fly everybody to Egypt, right? And that would make perfect sense for both the character and the franchise!
Well, I guess so. But he chooses not to. The point is Jetfire teleports them all to Egypt where he explains that there used to be 7 or 8 Primes, and they traveled around the galaxy blowing up suns for energon. But they never did it on planets with life.
Well, they had set the machine up on Earth and not noticed all the life running around, and one of the Primes just said (bleep) it, let's do it anyways. This was evil, so they called that Prime the Fallen and beat the (bleep) out of him although he escaped.

>>Okay...
So that other mysterious reason that the Decepticons wanted Sam's brain? It's because it contains some very vague clues about the Matrix of Leacdership, which is the device that turns on the sun-exploding machine. The Fallen needs the Matrix to blow up the sun and get his Energon.

>>Hold on. That's what the Matrix of Leadership does in the movie?
Yes. Works the sun-exploding machine.

>>I'm fuzzy on how "Leadership" covers that.
I didn't name it. But it does sound a little nicer than "Matrix of Blowing Up the (bleep) Sun."
If I may continue, in order to protect the Earth, the 6-7 other Prime hid the Matrix on Earth and made a tomb with their own bodies. Isn't that cool?

>>...
...

>>No. No it is not. If they wanted to protect Earth, why did they leave the Matrix on the planet? They're a space-faring race, they could have hid it anywhere in galaxy! Second of all, what the (bleep) does making a tomb of their own bodies do? Shouldn't they have stayed alive to protect the Matrix? Or finish off the Fallen? Or just not die and leave Earth and the entire Transformer race in jeopardy?
Uh...

>>And why hide the Matrix at all? Don't they need Energon to survive? Didn't they say they go to other lifeless planets? These idiot Primes just doomed their whole species for no (bleep) reason whatsoever! No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.
...ahem. Eventually, Sam and crew find the Matrix, which instantly crumbles into dust. Sam puts the dust in a sock because he thinks it will bring Optimus back to life.



>>Grr.
What follows is the most spectacular part of the movie, as Sam and Mikaela try to run the several miles back to the military camp during a massive Decepticon attack where the military has dropped Optimus Prime's corpse.

>>Why is that awesome? They could drive back in one of the Autobots and be there in a minute or two.
They don't do that.

>>What?
They walk.

>>Of course they do. And I assume the Autobots just mysteriously disappear again until a second before a Decepticon is about to kill Sam.
Yes. Exactly.

>>I am already incredibly sick of this movie, and I'm just typing questions about it. Sam resurrects Optimus, Optimus kills the Fallen, end of story, right?
Pretty close. Sam dies, though.

>>Really?
Yeah, for a little while. But then the Transformers in heaven send him back because he still has work to do.

>>(bleep) you.
I'm serious.

>>(bleep) you. There's no way.
It's true. The 6-7 Primes are there in the clouds like Mufasa's head in The Lion King, and tell Sam he's awesome and he needs to live again so he can bring Optimus back to life.

>>I may be ill.
Then Jetfire appears out of nowhere and rips out his own heart right in front of Optimus to give him his elderly old robot powers. This makes Optimus into a flying badass who defeats the Megatron and Starscream and the Fallen in a little less than two minutes. After the last 30 minutes of the movie have been nothing but explosions -- not all of which have any obvious causes -- it's a bit disappointing.

>>Anything else you want to add?
Well, only that although Sam jams the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus Prime's chest to resurrect him, a Decepticon takes it out like 10 seconds later and Optimus is fine. Just a little weird, is all.

>>Can you give me any reason I would want to see this film in theaters?
I can't answer every question, man.

>>Why does Sam's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?
Well, Sam's mom was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (Sam was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman.

>>A lot was made of how Shia the Beef's hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?
Well, sometimes Shia had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't.

>>That doesn't sound "written in" at all.
Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."

>>Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles?
Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.

>>What is the point of the character of Sam's college roommate, and why the (bleep) does he stay for the entirety of the movie?
I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of the Transformers themselves. He technically leads the Beef to John Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. Besides, Turturro just leads them to Jetfire anyways. It's all extraneous.

>>Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen? Why can Jetfire teleport? Why can the Fallen wave a staff and make (bleep) fly around? Why do actual cars and Autobots get sucked into Devastator's maw, but John Turturro and that other kid can run around?
Because... because (bleep) YOU, that's why.

>>Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.

>>If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?
When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a (bleep). "Math? Math is for (bleep). My movies are about (bleep) blowing up, man."

>>Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?
"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:05 am

I suspect that was actually rather more entertaining than the movie itself
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:55 am

hmm.. you expect me to read that.. go fuck yourself..
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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:22 am

Well i've read the book now.
No need to see the movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl

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Re: Jokes

Post  GR1MMR34P3R on Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:29 am

hey septrix its not because you cant be bothered reading it, its just you cant read Smile
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Tue Jun 30, 2009 12:12 pm

You know grimm... i think your onto something there..


Last edited by SepTriX on Tue Jun 30, 2009 1:52 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : (SPELLING) SO SAMMY COULDNT MAKE A FUCKING FOOL OF ME!)
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Re: Jokes

Post  GR1MMR34P3R on Tue Jun 30, 2009 12:15 pm

yea....also i could point out the other obvious fault but i'll let sammy do that Smile
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Tue Jun 30, 2009 1:34 pm

ROFLMAO. u dont have to read all of it. hell i didnt even finish it lol. its pretty funny shit though laugh laugh

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed Jul 01, 2009 1:16 pm

If u love michael jackson these will be in the "too soon" catergory, so look away lol.
rofl rofl

Michael Jackson passed away this morning from a massive heart attack. Authorities have released a statement saying that they will melt his body down and make plastic toys so kids can play with him for a change......

When Farrah Fawcett arrived in heaven, God said he would grant her one wish.
She said she wanted all the children in the world to be safe.
So God killed Michael Jackson!

Police are looking into the possible cause of Michael Jacksons heart attack. They've ruled out the sunshine, the moonlight and the good times. They are blaming it on the boogie.

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Number of posts : 637
Age : 26
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Facts : GO SWANNIES!!! 09 IS UR YEAR BOYS!!!!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Wed Jul 01, 2009 2:25 pm

Did you know there was a cover up about his death? They found him in the Hudson river floating on a bouy.. He apprently died of food poisoning.. Ate to many 8yr old nuts and died when the big hand touched the little one..
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed Jul 01, 2009 2:31 pm

LOL

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Number of posts : 637
Age : 26
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Facts : GO SWANNIES!!! 09 IS UR YEAR BOYS!!!!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Mon Jul 06, 2009 11:38 am


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DETTONATOR
Battlefield 2: 2nd Officer
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Number of posts : 637
Age : 26
Location : Sydney Australia
Xfire : dettonator
Facts : GO SWANNIES!!! 09 IS UR YEAR BOYS!!!!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Mon Jul 06, 2009 2:41 pm

Still cant believe they deleted anti-jokes. That was the funniest site of all time ever crying

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Re: Jokes

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