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Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post  Antwally0 on Fri Mar 27, 2009 1:47 pm

i think there are some youngsters that need to know this one!!!


A little indian boy asks his father "Papa how did your father name you?" "Well son my mother gave birth to me & my father came out of Tee Pee to see big black bear, so he named me Big Black Bear." The boy continued."So what of my two sisters names?" "Well son your first sister was born & I went out of Tee Pee to see little white dove & I named her Little White Dove. Your second sister was born & I came out from Tee Pee to see a herd of deer grazing so I named her Grazing Deer. Why do you ask Two Dogs F*%king?
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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Fri Mar 27, 2009 2:08 pm

I find this so sad Ant!!!!
drink drink drink drink drink

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Tue Apr 07, 2009 11:25 am

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.

It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a c **t.




I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.

I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."





Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.

The musical chairs was a bit slow, but f **k me, pass the parcel was quick!!!



When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.

Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way,

so I stole one and asked him to forgive me



Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit,

"Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"

She turns to her boyfriend and says,

"You did this to me, you f ***er!"

He casually replies,

"If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said,

'f **k off it'll be too painful.'"


I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a

fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it f ****ing start?"



My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said,

"Make love to me like in the movies."

So I f ***ed her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.



A man walks into a petrol station and says,

"Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.

"No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."



I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted,

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now f **k off you c **t!"

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Hehehe...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Apr 08, 2009 12:32 am

Well now that's gettin stuck in....
The archives are gettin robbed, lol laugh
Good stuff, great......... rofl
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How good are you...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:53 am

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her
place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect
opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy
walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of
them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and
window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over
the bed.
Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?"
She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
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Kids...lol

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:54 am

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright
as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept
of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album,
thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church,
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
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Birthdays...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:55 am

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots
of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a
surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where
the cake was placed.

Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and
immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of
him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes
of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is
a gynecologist!"
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Bloody hunters...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:57 am

Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it
out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet
above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below.
He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters
look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him.
When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the
other and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was?"
The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it.
"How's that?"
"You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?
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It's all in the wordin...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:58 am

A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"
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Elvis eh ...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Apr 08, 2009 2:00 am

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So,
he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and
exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me
face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and
step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so
great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn
around and drive!"

So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things
and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this
day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free
cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,
complementary hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank
you very much!"
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A few quickies...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Apr 08, 2009 2:06 am

What's so great about being a dick ?
1) You've got a head with no brains.
2) Two nuts follow you around all day.
3) Your neighbor is an asshole.
4) Your best friend is a cunt !
*
*
*
The old man was saying to his doctor,
"You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a
little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it alot. Does
that mean I'm getting stronger?"
*
*
*
Cop coming upon a young couple making out....
Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.
*
*
*
Two kindergarten girls were talking outside: one said,
"You won't believe what I saw on the patio yesterday--a condom!"
The second girl asked, "What's a patio?"
*
*
*
What's the difference between a barmaid in the evening and a barmaid at night?

A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
A barmaid at night is bare and ....
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Re: Jokes

Post  Piesy™ on Fri Apr 24, 2009 5:08 am

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.

They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies. I
stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between
my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?' Without
missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'

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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Fri Apr 24, 2009 7:41 am

ROFL PIESY DAMN HILARIOUS!!!!! rofl rofl rofl rofl thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup

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Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Fri Apr 24, 2009 8:02 am

LOL

And Oldboi, it seems Im a bit late but nice!!

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Re: Jokes

Post  ACHIMY on Fri Apr 24, 2009 8:53 am

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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Fri Apr 24, 2009 1:14 pm

ROFL ACHIMY I love those

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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:40 am

ROFL ACHIMY

the mime ones the best!

Elephants Never Forget

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

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Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  ACHIMY on Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:55 am

ROFLLLLLLLLLL AHAHAHAHA THAT BEATS ALL THE ANTI JOKES ROFL (cept the one about what's the difference between a rabbit and a grape)
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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:21 am

LOL


Last edited by Something8r on Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:47 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:35 am

That's How the Fight Started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even
look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started.....

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned
on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered,

'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy Shit.

That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the
window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and
to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed
at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14...95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror..

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,

'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.


She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:57 am

DAMN U . stole my post, i had loads of these bookmarked to post!!

BLOODY FUNNY SHIT

I URGE EVRYONE TO INVEST IN STUMBLE UPON, THE BEST tTIMEWASTER EVER!!!

The ones which werent incleded lol:

I got home late one night to see my wife standing angrily in the hallway brandishing a broom.

I said "So, are you actuall cleaning, or just about to fly somewhere?

And that's when the fight started.....

-------------------

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

----------------
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her Not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday.
And then the fight started.....

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:03 am

ROFLMAO

http://www.nbilyk.com/oh-noes

MORE STUFF LOL

Wal Mart Diagnosis


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results.

He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant; twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

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Age : 26
Location : Sydney Australia
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Facts : GO SWANNIES!!! 09 IS UR YEAR BOYS!!!!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:19 am

OMG I GOTTA TRY THIS SOME DAY!!!


http://www.beseechfanclub.com/bored/

MORE!!1
The way engineers think

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

MORE ROFLNESSS

KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS

What is Butt Dust?

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust?' Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!



JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, ' If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his Dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are But dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

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Battlefield 2: 2nd Officer
Battlefield 2: 2nd Officer

Number of posts : 637
Age : 26
Location : Sydney Australia
Xfire : dettonator
Facts : GO SWANNIES!!! 09 IS UR YEAR BOYS!!!!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Fri May 01, 2009 11:22 am

Not really a joke but damn hilarious!!

11 Stupid Questions From Yahoo Answers That Have Changed My Life
Wednesday, January 7, 2009 at 12:01:00 AM

Yesterday, against my better judgment, I fell down the rabbit hole of Yahoo Answers.

For those unfamiliar, Yahoo Answers is like the Wikipedia of advice. People (about 40 percent of whom can spell) write questions and rely on the masses to get their answers.

While in my rabbit hole, I found so many stupid questions (and stupid answers) that I couldn't stop laughing. My face is still sore.

Anyway, after a huge debate with myself, I narrowed it down to my favorite 11 ridiculous questions from Yahoo Answers. And I share them with you now. Feel free to send me any others you've found in your Yahoo Answers adventures... this list is just begging for a part two one day.

These are in no particular order. Also, I'm just going to give a big fat [SIC] to the entire thing -- I'm leaving in all the spelling, grammar and punctuation errors as they are part of the essence of Yahoo Answers.

1.

Sexy can I?
Is it ok to touch yourself when you hear your parents have sex? He continues:

"I know it may sound weird, but my parents are still pretty young and have very loud sex and sometimes late at night I can hear them and I cant help but touch myself. Is this bad or is it something other people have done too?"

Well, no. But he definitely came to the right place for logical, helpful, compassionate support. Like a user named Kendra who says:

"its not nasty, i remember when I was younger me and my bro would hide in the closet so we could see it".

And we're just getting started.

2. How turn computer monitor into mirror? This one is MADE in the guy's description of his question:

"Hi. Does anyone know if it's possible to use a background that would essentially turn my computer monitor into a mirror? Scanning a mirror doesn't work."

So as dumb as that is... yeah, I thought for two seconds about what would happen if I scanned a mirror.

3. Girlfriend aint had period since?

"ok im kinda worryed here since my g/f got pregnant and all she isnt been havein her period do u think the baby is drinkin the blood??? she 6 month pregnant"

I DO think the baby is drinking the blood! There is literally no other explanation. What you've got on your hands is a vampire baby. Your girlfriend has been having sex with a vampire. And I'm suspecting it's a biracial baby, either half-black (if she got it on with Blacula or Count Chocula) or half-purple (if she got it on with The Count).

4. Why are the holes in cats fur always in the right places for their eyes? On one hand, this could almost be a deeply existential question. Unfortunately, I don't think that was the intent.

5. My Boyfriend Has Skin Cancer?

"I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now,he's my absolute everything.But last week he got told he has bad 'Skin Cancer',When he told me i was heartbroken.Should i tell him that we should end it ? or should we stay together?Sad x"

I think this made me laugh the hardest of all. Is that bad?

6. Are my masturbation habits bad? I love the guy's description of his habits:

"I have around 15-20 orgasms a day. Sometimes I reach into the 30's. I do it a lot, but I really don't know how to stop."

First off, 15 to 20 times a day shouldn't be humanly possible. You'd have to cut out some other major component of your life to have the time. Like eating. Or breathing. But for me, truly, this question rises into the pantheon when a female offers up the very first response:

"wow thats alot i only have like 2 or 3"

You kids today!

7. I made Jesus-shaped pancakes, but I burnt them. Am I going to hell? Absolutely. The only acceptable way to integrate Jesus into food is to accidentally burn his face into a piece of toast or on a grilled cheese sandwich and then sell it on eBay. Jesus would be proud that you can get Golden Palace to pay $500 for it.

8.

Next target: Savannah.
I live in georegia but i dont see rusia no where not even sound but they says theres tanks should i be worrie. This one was taken down after it was an Internet sensation a few months back. But it's still an all time classic. And as much as my instinct is to think it's fake... something about it just says "real" to me. I WANT to believe!

9. Does it go dark at night where your from? You had to know that the person who doesn't know if night exists outside of his hometown would make a traditional Internet generation your/you're switch.

10. Help i smoked way too much weed? She describes a traditional My First Smoking story:

"my friends are over and I smoked WAYYY too much im all dizy and i can't see straight the room is moving"

This one doesn't get good until she starts elaborating with more details a little later on in the night:

"my peanut btuter tastes like ice cream i thought the pillow was the cat ahhh".

Brilliant.

11. Is the vagina or whatever girls pee out of in the same place as a boys penus? He continues:

"Or is it in the back where a boys --- is? I know this is an odd question but i have a valid reason to ask it."

The most succinct answer comes from a poster who uses the name Riley J:

"yes women have penises on the inside thats how they pee they just dont stick out like mens do".

Perfect. The question is answered. (And sadly, the guy who posted it refused to elaborate on his "valid reason to ask.")

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Number of posts : 637
Age : 26
Location : Sydney Australia
Xfire : dettonator
Facts : GO SWANNIES!!! 09 IS UR YEAR BOYS!!!!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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No Speka Da Engrish

Post  Piesy™ on Sun May 03, 2009 11:49 pm

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated
conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted
indignantly.

'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places
about our sex lives.

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'
abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell '
Mississippi '.'

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Mon May 04, 2009 1:38 am

Three contractors are bidding to install some insulation on a new room at the The Lodge. One is from Brisbane , another is from Canberra , and the third is from Sydney .

All three go with an official from The Lodge to examine the building. The Brisbane contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Canberra contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Sydney contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to The Lodge official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other blokes! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Sydney contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the local mug from Canberra to do the job."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work….

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Re: Jokes

Post  Antwally0 on Sat May 16, 2009 7:58 am

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A pie n’ sauce, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A pie n’ sauce, chips and a coke.' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'
The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Sat May 16, 2009 10:03 am

ROFL ant always gold!!!

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DETTONATOR
Battlefield 2: 2nd Officer
Battlefield 2: 2nd Officer

Number of posts : 637
Age : 26
Location : Sydney Australia
Xfire : dettonator
Facts : GO SWANNIES!!! 09 IS UR YEAR BOYS!!!!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed May 20, 2009 9:40 am

Oy I had a bad night
I couldn't sleep, and had no idea what to do. My parents are still awake, it was midnight, and I was bored.
So then I remembered that I had a drama presentation the next class and I played a rich guy so I needed a suit.
I take out my suit, and get dressed. You know, the works. I even took out my top hat and my cane.
Now it gets a little weird. I had to go downstairs in order to see how I looked as it's the only place with a full body mirror. My parents sleep on the same floor as me so I didn't want to wake them up.
So I got this idea. I decided to turn on my TV so that my parents thought people were talking outside, and my footsteps would be noises they were making. I thought it would work, I was tired.
I ran downstairs, checked myself out. I looked fine, so I went back into my room
Now by then the running in a suit had made me kind of itchy (down south), so I quickly undo my pants and release what was stuck and to relieve my itch with my hand.
And my mom opens the door to the room and all I do is freeze in surprise
I don't know what she was thinking, but I can tell you the following
It was midnight, I was in a suit and top hat, and I appeared to be jacking off to George from Seinfeld.
And my mom just stood there in disbelief
I can't tell you what ensued, but it involved attempted exorcism and lots of crying
Best night ever

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DETTONATOR
Battlefield 2: 2nd Officer
Battlefield 2: 2nd Officer

Number of posts : 637
Age : 26
Location : Sydney Australia
Xfire : dettonator
Facts : GO SWANNIES!!! 09 IS UR YEAR BOYS!!!!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Wed May 20, 2009 11:19 am

mellow

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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed May 20, 2009 11:27 am

rofl i swear it wasnt me!!! it was stumble!!

http://bash.org/?quote=811243

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Battlefield 2: 2nd Officer
Battlefield 2: 2nd Officer

Number of posts : 637
Age : 26
Location : Sydney Australia
Xfire : dettonator
Facts : GO SWANNIES!!! 09 IS UR YEAR BOYS!!!!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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How to treat your System Administrator

Post  Something8r on Wed May 20, 2009 12:40 pm

Advice to employees on the proper use of the System Administrator's Valuable time


(In following examples, we will substitute the name "Ted" as the System Administrator)

Make sure to save all your MP3 files on your network drive. No sense in wasting valuable space on your local drive! Plus, Ted loves browsing through 100+ GB of music files while he backs up the servers.

Play with all the wires you can find. If you can't find enough, open something up to expose them. After you have finished, and nothing works anymore, put it all back together and call Ted. Deny that you touched anything and that it was working perfectly only five minutes ago. Ted just loves a good mystery. For added effect you can keep looking over his shoulder and ask what each wire is for.

Never write down error messages. Just click OK, or restart your computer. Ted likes to guess what the error message was.

When talking about your computer, use terms like "Thingy" and "Big Connector."

If you get an EXE file in an email attachment, open it immediately. Ted likes to make sure the anti-virus software is working properly.

When Ted says he coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for him to remember your password.

When you call Ted to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under a year-old pile of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, unpaid bills, bowling trophies and Popsicle sticks. Ted doesn't have a life, and he finds it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.

When Ted sends you an email marked as "Highly Important" or "Action Required", delete it at once. He's probably just testing some new-fangled email software.

When Ted's eating lunch at his desk or in the lunchroom, walk right in, grab a few of his fries, then spill your guts and expect him to respond immediately. Ted lives to serve, and he's always ready to think about fixing computers, especially yours.

When Ted's at the water cooler or outside taking a breath of fresh air, find him and ask him a computer question. The only reason he takes breaks at all is to ferret out all those employees who don't have email or a telephone.

Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

When the photocopier doesn't work, call Ted. There's electronics in it, so it should be right up his alley.

When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at your home computer, call Ted. He enjoys fixing telephone problems from remote locations. Especially on weekends.

When something goes wrong with your home PC, dump it on Ted's chair the next morning with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. Ted just loves a good mystery.

When you have Ted on the phone walking you through changing a setting on your PC, read the newspaper. Ted doesn't actually mean for you to DO anything. He just loves to hear himself talk.

When your company offers training on an upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother to sign up. Ted will be there to hold your hand when the time comes.

When the printer won't print, re-send the job 20 times in rapid succession. That should do the trick.

When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all the printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

Don't read the operator's manual. Manuals are for wussies.

If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to demonstrate your fledgling expertise by updating the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. Ted will be grateful for the overtime when he has to stay until 2:30am fixing all of them.

When Ted's fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your Whopper with cheese in his face. He functions better
when he's slightly dizzy from hunger.

When Ted asks you whether you've installed any new software on your computer, LIE. It's no one else's business what you've got on your computer.

If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the monitor and stuff the cable under it. Those skinny Mouse cables were designed to have 55 lbs. of computer monitor crushing them.

If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame Ted for not upgrading it sooner. Hell, it's not your fault there's a half pound of pizza crust crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Mountain Dew under the keys.

When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click the "Yes" button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that boneheaded computer crap." It never bothers Ted to hear his area of professional expertise referred to as boneheaded crap.

Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else should sneak a one-page job in between your 500-page Word document.

When you send that 500-page document to the printer, don't bother to check if the printer has enough paper. That's Ted's job.

When Ted calls you 30 minutes later and tells you that the printer printed 24 pages of your 500-page document before it ran out of paper, and there are now nine other jobs in the queue behind yours, ask him why he didn't bother to add more paper.

When you receive a 130 MB movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. Ted's provided plenty of disk space and processor capacity on the new mail server for just those kinds of important things.

When you bump into Ted in the grocery store on a Sunday afternoon, ask him computer questions. He works 24/7, and is always thinking about computers, even when he's at super-market buying toilet paper and doggie treats.

If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. Ted will be there for you when your son's illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes the Access database keel over and die.

When you bring Ted your own "no-name" brand PC to repair for free at the office, tell him how urgently he needs to fix it so you can get back to playing EverQuest. He'll get on it right away, because everyone knows he doesn't do anything all day except surf the Internet.

Don't ever thank Ted. He loves fixing everything AND getting paid for it!

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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Thu May 21, 2009 2:50 pm

.... that post just changed my life. You have just successfully summarized everything I ever hated about being in tech support.
crazyluv
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Fri May 22, 2009 4:23 am

A woman scans the room at a party and notices a gentleman on the other side alone.. She approaches him and say "Hi, I'm Carmen.."
They Man Follows up by saying what a beautiful name it is and she tell him it reflects on the 2 things she loves.. Cars and Men..
She gives him a wink and asks his name..
The man replys "Beerpussy"




One day Bill comes home to find his wife on the bed.. "Tie me up and do anything you want" She purrs.
So Bill ties her up and goes golfing Smile
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Fri May 22, 2009 9:13 am

ROFL SEPTRIX GOLD!!!!

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Number of posts : 637
Age : 26
Location : Sydney Australia
Xfire : dettonator
Facts : GO SWANNIES!!! 09 IS UR YEAR BOYS!!!!
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Fri May 22, 2009 9:37 am

lol yeah I've heard the second one before, first one is gold

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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Fri May 22, 2009 10:40 am

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves

whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group
was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.



The women's group concluded that computers should be

Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The men's group, however, decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.




The men won.

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Fri May 22, 2009 12:01 pm

She should have said; "Depends if its a mac or not"

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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Fri May 22, 2009 12:01 pm

ROFLMAO!!

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Sat May 23, 2009 8:31 am


sad
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Sat May 23, 2009 11:18 am

I found this on CyberGamer forums.. thumbsup

Condor had cum home in a bad mood. His dinner was not ready, and he always liked Lucinda to have a hot, moist, steamy serving waiting for him in the kitchen. He decided to take matters into his own hands, and thrusted her into the kitchen. He made his own meat dish that night in the kitchen.

His recipe was as follows...

A deep well oiled bowl, inserted into this a 10inch portion of 100% beef, lathered in a warm well-poked juice, and a spraying of balsamic vinegar, and seasoned with cumin. Heat the oven up, heat it up hard. Rotate that piece of beef and let the juices flow. Presto the condor naked chef beefed special is ready. NB* Lucinda doesn't like her meat bloody...

Condor also expected Lucinda to prepare fresh custard for dessert, but the lazy cow had spent so long tossing the salad that no dessert had been made. Condor got to work on making a fresh serving of custard. He dove into the box to find a couple Lucinda's fresh eggs and worked at systematically beating those with a long hard instrument, he squeezed himself a fresh serving of milk from the cow itself, and added a bit of his own special sugar. Condor lovingly whipped it all together in the warm bowl until the fresh custard emerged ready for serving.
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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Sat May 23, 2009 11:39 am

mmm some sick minds hard at work I see


lewl!! look at my post count

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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Sun May 24, 2009 3:48 am

You can never post again with ruining your 666 tho D:
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Sun May 24, 2009 4:39 am

yea he can. he just has to delete old posts

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Sun May 24, 2009 10:19 am

The deed is done sad

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Mon May 25, 2009 5:14 am

A Child's Prayer



Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.

Amen.

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Re: Jokes

Post  rasskul on Mon May 25, 2009 9:25 am

Brotherofzit wrote:A Child's Prayer



Dear God,

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer.

Amen.

lol bloody hell fasty, get your kids their own computer! ras

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Mon May 25, 2009 1:32 pm

How to go camping with your mates Aussie style
>
>
>
> Mick attended his 4 wheel drive clubs monthly meeting and had just told
> them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innamincka trip because his
> missus wouldn't let him go.
>
>
>
> After copping "the under the thumb remarks and other derisive remarks"
> Mick left to go back home to the missus.
>
>
>
> Later when Mick's mates started arriving to set up camp at Innamincka
> common the following week, who should be there but Mick sitting up in
> front of the Cooper , swag rolled out , fishing rod in hand, and the camp
> oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
>
>
>
> "Geez how did ya talk ya missus into letting you come here Mick?" they
> asked
>
>
>
> "I didn't have to," was Mick's reply, "When I left the meeting last week I
> went home disappointed and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown
> my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes
> and said, "Surprise".
>
>
>
> "When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful
> see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me
> to the bed and you can do what ever you want."
>
>
>
> " SO HERE I AM"

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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Mon May 25, 2009 3:08 pm

LOL
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Re: Jokes

Post  Agouti on Fri May 29, 2009 5:03 am

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Re: Jokes

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