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Jokes

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City Farmers...

Post  oldboi3 on Mon Feb 23, 2009 11:12 am

A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to
give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken
farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns
out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The
neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't
easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100
chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new
neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer
said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh,
I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens.
I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new
farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100
chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong?
What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too
deep or not far apart enough."


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Luk has nothin to do with it...

Post  oldboi3 on Mon Feb 23, 2009 11:14 am

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as
they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed
detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I
was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of
other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did
*I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"



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Johnny no's best...

Post  oldboi3 on Fri Feb 27, 2009 4:31 am

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were...
"My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
"Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick that!" Tommy said.
"That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass in 10 years... so lick that!"

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Cross examined...

Post  oldboi3 on Fri Feb 27, 2009 11:31 pm

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks, "Before you signed the
death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken
any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me
put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my
desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law
somewhere."


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Gone fishin ... umm

Post  oldboi3 on Fri Feb 27, 2009 11:33 pm

A man calls his wife and says to her, "Honey, I just got the chance of a
lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack
up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?" "Sure, honey," his
wife answers."Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pajamas?" "Sure,
honey," his wife answers again. The man comes home, picks up his things and
takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets
him at the front door.
"So honey, how was your fishing trip?"
"It was great..." the husband answers. "But you forgot to pack my blue
silk pajamas." "No I didn't," said his wife. "They were in your tacklebox."


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Yes well.........

Post  oldboi3 on Fri Feb 27, 2009 11:38 pm

Q; What is pink and moist and split in the middle?

A; grapefruit !!!


A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a
naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches
he noticed that a sexy young co-ed had sketched the man with an erect
penis. The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way." She
replied, "What other way ?"


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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Sat Feb 28, 2009 1:23 am

haha, the blue silky pants one was good:p

KEPP EM COMIN!!
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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Sat Feb 28, 2009 10:36 am

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in� Kenya�after graduating from� Northwestern� University�.





On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.





The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.





He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.





As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,





after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.





The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.





Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.





Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.





Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.










Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.





As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and





walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.





The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.





The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.





Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.





Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.





He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.





The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs





and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.










Probably wasn't the same f#cking elephant.

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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Sun Mar 01, 2009 2:17 am

ROFL!!! always comin up with great jokes brother NICE WORK!!!

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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At The Superbowl

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Mar 03, 2009 9:04 am

Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is
in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man said "no".
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."


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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:27 am

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?'

The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars,

But Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo.

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Thu Mar 05, 2009 3:14 pm

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. �'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really root, I'll have nothing left to live for.'

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Exceptional...

Post  oldboi3 on Thu Mar 05, 2009 9:47 pm

Well done m8... topstuff


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And the problem is ...

Post  oldboi3 on Thu Mar 05, 2009 9:58 pm

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, the other is a
mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our partners
by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you' and we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I
was wearing the leather bodice and heels under a raincoat and the mask over
my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild
sex all night.

Then I shared my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the
leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon
as he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?"



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Psychiatric Hotline.........

Post  oldboi3 on Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:01 pm

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No
one will answer.



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Homework...

Post  oldboi3 on Thu Mar 05, 2009 10:03 pm

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again."
"Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane."
"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."



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Re: Jokes

Post  Skipyellow on Fri Mar 06, 2009 6:41 am

how do you get a one armed koala out of a tree?






you wave to it...
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Hehehe...

Post  oldboi3 on Fri Mar 06, 2009 8:35 am

Must av bin from Irish bakground...


This is a worry ...

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
triple scotch whiskey.

As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a
heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and
found my wife having sex with my best friend."

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple
scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on
the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him,
"What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye
and said, 'BAD DOG!'"



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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Fri Mar 06, 2009 8:46 am

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate Jennifer was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________


Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.

Love,
Brian

__________________________________________________________


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother
that read:

____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying
that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom
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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Fri Mar 06, 2009 8:51 am

rofl rofl rofl rofl

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LOL...

Post  oldboi3 on Fri Mar 06, 2009 9:45 pm

tease yahoo topstuff


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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Sat Mar 07, 2009 5:56 pm

Stupidity or Irony?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Stupidity or Irony?

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Mar 07, 2009 11:45 pm

Could be both, but hey the world is also full of disappointments... yeahright


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The life line...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Mar 08, 2009 12:03 am

God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, working
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat
grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.
The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much.
Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilance
over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. You
will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'
And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny,
and you shall live for 20 years.'
And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.'
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and
live for 20 years.
And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too
little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years
the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live
20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live
10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.



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How to fill him up...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:26 am

An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to
top up a camel with water.
"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."
As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed
them over the camel's balls.
The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.
"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"


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It's all about the medication...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:27 am

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care
of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."


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The right costume...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:30 am

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having
trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad
and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back
completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of
the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back
himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied
"If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".


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Nudist's...lol

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:15 pm

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter
from his mother asking him to send her a current photo
of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let
her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a
photo in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture
in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the
photo.
He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the
wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks
later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says,
"Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it
makes your nose look short!"


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Wat u wear...

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:22 pm

This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to
give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he
should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the
party, and came home early. As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself
in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom,
where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off
my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He
silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension
continues to mount. She looks at him.
"Jeeves".
If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"


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Job discription...???

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:25 pm

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to
reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Howard. You're a veterinarian."



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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:50 pm

ROFL oldboi fantastic as usual!!!

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Are YOU A HARD MAN...???

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Mar 18, 2009 1:32 am

1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?

a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.

2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?

a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".


3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?

a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.

4/. If you break wind during the night do you?

a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.

5/. If she breaks wind do you?

a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.

6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the cunts.

7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and
she's in the bath. Do you?

a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the
shell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.

8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.

9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?

a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get
pissed.

10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.

0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.
30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.



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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Wed Mar 18, 2009 1:36 am

10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.


lol... u come up with some good stuff!...


Last edited by SepTriX on Fri Mar 20, 2009 2:45 am; edited 2 times in total
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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Wed Mar 18, 2009 4:20 am

oldboi3 wrote:

8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.
Regards oldboi

EWWWW unwanted images there old boi. otherwise damn funny shit man!!!

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

Post  oldboi3 on Fri Mar 20, 2009 12:50 am

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man
volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is
put into motion.

(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on
a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it
to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check
the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
woman.
(Cool The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the
table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the
dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night
off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that
there's just no pleasing some women.
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:17 am

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a double vodka...

The bar tender says "Mate... Whats up?"
The man replies... "I just found out my older brother is gay..." the bartender sighs and apologizes...

The next day they guy walks in and orders the same drink...

The bartender asks "What's the probloem is today?" "I just found out my younger brother is gay aswell!" and the bartender shouts him his next round...

On the third day he ordered a TRIPLE Vodka...

The bartender turns around and ask... "Geez man, Doesnt anyone in your family like women?" ... The guy downs his drink ... Pauses ... and replies ... "YES! My wife!"
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:22 am

A guy walks into a bar one day after a big night of drinks and orders an Orange Juice.

Confused with the mans actions after last nights effort he asks if he was ok...

The man then replied "No, last night I blew chunks!"

The barman comforts the man by saying "It's ok mate, we all get a little sick after a few drinks..."

With a stern look the man looks at the bartender and say "Buddy, you dont understand... Chunks is my dog..."
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:29 am

A Beautiful Blonde Girl new to town decides to go check out the local pub... She goes in and orders a Foster's.

After about 4 hours of drinking she passes out on the bar... The next to her turns to his mate and says "Mate.. You can see her arse!" His mate replies "haha... Watch this..." He goes over behind the girl and gives her a good go at!

The next evening the girl comes in and orders the same drink... This night there are 10 blokes in the bar and all decide to have a go...

The evening after same thing but with 30 guys...

On the following friday she comes in and orders an Apple Juice... Once 50 men had walked out of the bar the bartender asked "Why NO Fosters tonight?"

The Girl replied... "I dont know why but when ever I drink at this bar my arse is always sore in the morning..."
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Fri Mar 20, 2009 3:34 am

Q)What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A) Mega-Sore-Arse

Q) Whats the difference between kinky and erotic?
A) Erotic is using a feather where kinky is using the whole fucking chicken!

Q) What did the horny toad say?
A) Rub it, Rub it.

A cow goes to another and say "Mate, are you worried about this Mad cow disease?" After recieving NO as an answer he asks "Why? You get bunred alive if affected and its a while you go loopy before the humans even notice... How can you not be worried? The other cows replies "Nah mate.. Its not that... Its im a helicopter... "
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:53 am

Yo Mummas so stupid, that she tried to put M&M'd on alphabetical order...

Yo Mummas so fat, that when she jumped infront of my car I ran out of fuel trying to miss her...

Yo Mummas so stupid, she got locked in Woolworths and starved to death...

Yo Mummas so stupid, that when she played Call of Duty 4, she couldnt decide whether to put an ACOG scope or a Grenade Launcher on a M9 Pistol...




A Gay Guy goes to the doctor for a check up...

The Doctor unfortnatly tells the Fellow he has AIDS and that he needs the names of the last 20 men he had sex with...

The Guy asks "Doctor is there anything I can do?"

The Doctor thinks for a second and says "Yes, Go to Mexico and drink all the water you can and have heaps of spicy food!"

Confused the Man asks "Will that help?"

The Doctor replys "... No but it will show you what your arsehole is for!"
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:57 am

Q) What does a Woolworths Employee do on his holidays?
A) Work for his Dad in an office on his forums all days thinking of jokes ! ! !

HaHa... Yeah I'm kind of bored here so I been doing shit all today... Just txting Sarah and going through forums and stuff...
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Exrlnt ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Mar 22, 2009 9:03 am

Good stuf m8, an great way to pass the time... tease
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Sun Mar 22, 2009 9:09 am

haha.. They are nothing compared to your GOLD topstuff
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Bugger...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Mar 22, 2009 10:11 pm

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe
for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a
supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a
train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find
a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train
looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was
room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking,
older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.
The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude", she said,
"can't you see my dog is sitting there"?
He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat.
He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold
your dog if I can sit down", he said.
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant".
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally
said,
"Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with
not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your
dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you
are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the window, and sat down.
The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat
spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the
lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot
of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out
of the window."
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Allow for rebates...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Mar 22, 2009 10:20 pm

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can
I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he
then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married
and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here
for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's
office."
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A few quickie's...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Mar 22, 2009 10:41 pm

Moe: My wife converted me to religion.
Joe: Really?
Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
*
*
*
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch
when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last
requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)
could you please do something to scare me?"
*
*
*
Q: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
A: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Mon Mar 23, 2009 5:06 am

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.




The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.




It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.




He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.




'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'




And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline..




That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there..




But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'




'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'




'No problem,' he says. And in they go.




Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.




In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.




They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.




As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.




So he leans over and kisses Sandra..




No one says a word.




So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.




Still, nobody says a word.




So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom.




'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.




Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.




All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.




Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Hey, no problem, I'll do the f****' dishes!'

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Mon Mar 23, 2009 5:18 am

haha gr8 one

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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Mon Mar 23, 2009 10:03 am

LOL BROTHER THAT WAS FUCKING FUNNY!!!!!!
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You the man....

Post  oldboi3 on Mon Mar 23, 2009 11:36 pm

yourtheman yourtheman yourtheman

Thats exrlnt m8, great stuff...lol fonzy
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Re: Jokes

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