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Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Sat Jan 31, 2009 8:22 am

Brother, that one was fucking awesome thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup
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Hahaha...

Post  oldboi3 on Mon Feb 02, 2009 9:52 am

Well done m8, exrlnt...
thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup


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That date...

Post  oldboi3 on Mon Feb 02, 2009 9:53 am

A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As the
bartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the other
one on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does the
same thing. The third time the bartender asks him what's
going on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? The
man smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my date
drunk."



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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Mon Feb 02, 2009 10:31 am

That was bloody awesome mate!!!!!
rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Feb 03, 2009 5:10 am

hahahaha awesome ones bro and oldboi thumbsup

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Fri Feb 06, 2009 9:03 am

At the Welfare Office
>>
>> An Aboriginal walked into the local welfare office to pick up his
>> social security cheque. He marched straight up to the counter and
>> said, 'Hi.. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather
>> have a job.
>> The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
>> We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
>> Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
>> You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
>> supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, you will be
>> given your own apartment in the mansion and your meals will be
>> provided.
>> You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas
>> holiday trips.
>> This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your
>> job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
>> mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
>>
>> The Aboriginal, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'
>>
>> The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Fri Feb 06, 2009 9:38 am

ROFL!!! n1 bro rofl

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Re: Jokes

Post  Exfoliator on Fri Feb 06, 2009 3:40 pm

A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a pub not knowing that it is being robbed.
When she walks in the robber in a panic shoots her three times in the stomach.
When she is at the hospital the doctors tell her that she and her babies are fine and that the bullets will pass with time.
9 months later she gives birth to 2 girls and 1 boy.
16 years later the eldest daughter comes along and says "mum mum, you'll never guess what happened. I was on the toilet and I pee'd a bullet".
So the mother sits her down and tells her the story.
A couple weeks later the 2nd eldest daughter comes along and says "mum mum, you'll never guess what happened. I was on the toilet and I pee'd a bullet".
So the mother sits her down and tells her the story.
Now a few months later the son comes along and says "mum mum, you'll never guess what happened, the most amazing thing ever!".
The mother replies "What you were on the toilet and pee'd a bullet?"
Son "No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"
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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Sat Feb 07, 2009 2:41 am

hahah brother, your finding the best jokes.

Exfoliator that was sweet to thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup
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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:04 am

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.


The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'
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Hahaha....exrlnt !!!

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Feb 07, 2009 11:26 am

Exfoliator... m8 thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup


Jackal ... good stuff m8... aussie aussie aussie... thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup


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Yes well...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:27 am

The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged
the designers to come out with a bra for
over-endowed women.

It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra"...
It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

LOL.........

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Ha old an clever ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:29 am

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,
"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"



Hahaha ...
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Young, an umm ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:31 am

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set
the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure,
I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.
"I reckon not" I replied ...

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what
she meant, I fell off the roof!"

LOL.........
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Carefully...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:34 am

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."


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Smart ass...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:39 am

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over
by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window
with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the
trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over,
you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the
passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls
his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the
nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says,"Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're
gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that shit with me!'"


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Poor Johnny...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 08, 2009 12:45 am

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"


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Re: Jokes

Post  Exfoliator on Sun Feb 08, 2009 2:17 am

Jackal funny shit mate rofl rofl rofl

Oldboi never ceases to amaze, nice mate thumbsup thumbsup
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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Sun Feb 08, 2009 2:39 am

lol @ the trooper one and the farm hand one hahaha
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Re: Jokes

Post  Antwally0 on Mon Feb 09, 2009 12:57 am

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing , she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you , what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door , who do you let in first?
The dog , of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men...
Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut , and still think they are sexy.
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Opp,s...hehehe.........

Post  oldboi3 on Mon Feb 09, 2009 3:35 am

Had to finish that 1 on me own... no

Exrlnt outline of the other side... thumbsup
Good stuff


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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Mon Feb 09, 2009 8:36 am

hahahahahahaahahhahahaahahahahahahha, im copying all them ant and forwarding them one to everyone i know lol
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Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:40 am

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete
financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your physician.

Name:______________________________________________________
Date of Birth:________________
Height:_____________________
Weight:______
IQ:___________________________
GPA:_____________
Social Security Number:_____
Driver's License Number:______
Boy Scout Rank:_____________
Telephone:____________________
Home Address:______________________________________________
City:_______________________
State:________________________
Zip:_____________




1.Do you have one male and one female parent? ____
If "No", explain:


2.Number of years your parents have been married: ____
Any brothers or sisters? ____
Are they normal? ____

3.Do you own or have access to a van? ____
A truck with oversize tires? ____
A waterbed? ____

4.Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? ____

5.Do youi have a tattoo? ____

If you have answered YES to #3, #4 or #5, discontinue application and leave immediately.

6.In fifty words or less, what does Late mean to you?




7.In fifty words or less, what does Don't touch my daughter mean to you?




8.In fifty words or less, what does Abstinence mean to you?




9.In fifty words or less, what does Real Pain mean to you?




10.Church/Temple you attend: ____________________________

How often do you attend: ____________________________

11.When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and priest/rabbi? ____________________________


12.Please fill in the blanks:

a.If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded would be my ____________________________

b.If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would be my ____________________________

c.A woman's place is in the ____________________________

d.The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is ____________________________

e.When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice about her first is ____________________________

Note: If answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue and leave premises - keeping your head low and
running in a serpentine fashion is advised


13.What do you want to be if you grow up?




I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of
death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture or mental abuse.

Signature of applicant _________________________________

Signature of father _____________________________________

Signature of mother ____________________________________

Signature of priest/rabbi ___________________________________

Signature of State Representative _________________________



Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow 4-6
years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if approved. If denied, please never
apply again. Don't call me, I'll call you.



Regards oldboi
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Wat...

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:44 am

Three guys go into a bar, one in a wheelchair, one
is blind and the other appears normal. A couple
of minutes later, God walks in to get a beer. He
sees the guys and decides to have compassion on
them.
He touches the blind guy on the forehead, and his
sight is restored. He touches the man in the
wheelchair and the guy jumps up and walks away.
He walks to the last guy and the guy yells, 'Whoa,
God! I'm on workman's comp!'


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Rejection Letter Reject

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Feb 17, 2009 7:53 am

Ever wonder what to do when those rejection letters start piling
up? Well here's a suggestion:

- - - - - - - - - - - - - Cut Here - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Date Today]

Dear [whom it concerns]:

Thank you for your letter of [date here]. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept
your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I
have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large
number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising
field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.

Despite [company name]s outstanding qualifications and previous
experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection
does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will
initiate employment with your firm immediately following
graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]



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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Tue Feb 17, 2009 1:29 pm

oldboi3 wrote:the guy yells, 'Whoa, God! I'm on workman's comp!'Regards oldboi


LOL
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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Feb 17, 2009 9:31 pm

Bloody awesome rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl

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Why I Fired My Secretary

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Feb 18, 2009 6:33 pm

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.

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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Thu Feb 19, 2009 3:14 am

hahah, awkward much??? lol
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Re: Jokes

Post  SepTriX on Thu Feb 19, 2009 3:42 am

how did you get a page from my diary?
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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Thu Feb 19, 2009 7:45 am

hasnt that one already been posted confused

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Quickie

Post  oldboi3 on Fri Feb 20, 2009 10:59 am

Q: How is a woman like a condom ?
*
*
*
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.



Regards oldboi

P.S not sure but will remember to remember to chek k ... fonzy
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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Sat Feb 21, 2009 3:43 pm

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."




Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"




Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"




An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."




Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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Koool...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Feb 21, 2009 11:44 pm

Good stuff m8... topstuff


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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Sun Feb 22, 2009 4:37 am

that looks way to long to read, and im hung over, so ill read it later lol
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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Sun Feb 22, 2009 6:55 am

haha, stuck on the mirror..love it rofl rofl rofl

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Were do you place ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 22, 2009 10:44 pm

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."
"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.
"Gold of course," says the proud man.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!"



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Clever...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 22, 2009 10:46 pm

This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....she says "I'm breaking up with you."
"Why??" he asks. She says "because you are a pedophile".
He says "Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10
year old."


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Be careful...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 22, 2009 10:48 pm

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger
walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"



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Be careful wat you wish for...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 22, 2009 10:50 pm

Mirror, mirror A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: "Mirror mirror on the door, make my "manhood" touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash and both his legs fall off.


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Spelling with Johnny...

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Feb 22, 2009 10:53 pm

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."



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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:21 am

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right
> away.
>
> She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
>
> He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
>
> So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a
> resort.
>
> One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel,
> climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed
> by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened
> out and cut the water like a knife.
>
> After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
>
> She said, 'That was incredible!'
>
> He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you
> we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
>
> So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.
>
> After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel
> and was hardly out of breath.
>
> He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
>
> 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of
> the Murray !!!

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:34 am

Rascal, Cholesterol & Brother are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and after a gentle rub a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie. Rascal says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity. " With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the oceans were teeming with fish. Cholesterol was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around New South Wales so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no boofhead south or north of the border can tell us what to do in our State. I want it so nothing and no-one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around New South Wales. Brother asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
Brother says,"Fill it up with water."

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:34 am

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman. 'Got any bread?' The barman says, 'No sir, we don't sell bread.' The duck says, "Got any bread?' Barman, 'No sir, this is a pub, we don't sell bread' Duck, 'Got any bread?' Barman. 'NO!' Duck. 'Got any bread?' The barman leans over and says, 'Listen mate if you say that one more time I'll nail your bloody beak to this bar!' The duck says, 'Got any nails?' Barman says...'NO.' The duck says....'Got any bread?"

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Great stuff...

Post  oldboi3 on Mon Feb 23, 2009 7:54 am

Well done m8,
Shame about N.S.W, w00t
And gotta no the other half rofl
Wat a duck ras


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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Mon Feb 23, 2009 8:45 am

A young man graduated from University of Tasmania with a degree in
>journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to
>write a human interest story. Being from Tassie, he went back to the bush to
>do his research.
>
>He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself
>to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
>
>The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you
>happy?"
>
>The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep!��One time one of my
>neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all
>rooted it and took it back home."
>
>"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything
>
>else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
>
>After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's
>daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search party that
>time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."
>
>Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever
>happened around here that made you sad?"
>
>The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly at the young man and
>
>said, "I got lost once."

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Mon Feb 23, 2009 8:46 am

Hahahahahahahahahha farkin gr8 rofl rofl rofl rofl

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Re: Jokes

Post  rasskul on Mon Feb 23, 2009 9:07 am

lol but i dont like fishing!

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Re: Jokes

Post  Jackal on Mon Feb 23, 2009 9:45 am

LOLOLOL, lol, i got lost once hhahahaha!!!! LOLOOLLOL
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Yes m8 ...

Post  oldboi3 on Mon Feb 23, 2009 10:32 am

Exrlnt Brother ... wink


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Re: Jokes

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