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Jokes

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:17 pm

Sleepy Sailor
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was
taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a
bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant -- an Air Force guy,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to
tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms
have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the
cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'...And he sat up all night
watching me."

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:18 pm

Blonde Patient
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her.

"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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Hahaha...

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:27 pm

rofl
Exrlnt, topstuff
tissue

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:10 am

In case you weren’t aware of it, there are internet geeks everywhere. You probably know a few, in fact… you might even be one. Here are the top 10 signs that you might be, well, an internet geek.

10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give them your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates for their phone number, instead you ask for their myspace.

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is actually a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my@home.wife” and refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. You often say “LOL” and “LMAO” out loud.

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. You’ve actually reached the end of the internet.
ras

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:12 am

Ok guys these are a few gooduns, some funny puns iv'e written down over a while. Enjoy Cool

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: “I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?”
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, “Are you two an item?”
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. (Bada Bing!)
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
Show me where Stalin’s buried and I’ll show you a communist plot.
At a hearing aid center: “Let us give you some sound advice.”
A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?” asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “no charge”.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn’t finish the last movement.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
I asked Mum if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

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Great ...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 17, 2008 5:07 am

Hehehe... fonzy


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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 17, 2008 9:15 am

Why stop now i say tounge

here are sum short ones

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...

Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic ?
You know how many men went down on the titanic.

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

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Definately on a roll m8...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:38 pm

Hehehe... laugh

fonzy


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Word it rite...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:40 pm

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."
Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or
what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."
Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a little
embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here.
Will you do it?"
Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I
don't understand it, but OK."
He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the
bedside when Fred wakes up.
"Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.
"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an
operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple
task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was
operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went
ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be
circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."
"CIRCUMCISED!" yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!!"



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Let's play...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:42 pm

Once a couple were on vacation. The husband was lying on
the beach facing downwards on his stomach & the wife was
patting him on his butt. He happened to ask her what she
was doing, she said "I`m playing the Tabla" He turned around
& told her "Alright now you can start playing the flute".



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Pooter wordin...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:48 pm

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs


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Opp's...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:49 pm

A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the
doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the
doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two or
three." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the
doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did
and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did
you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered
again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing
much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad
for having no car and a small parish."



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Wive's...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:51 pm

Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance
company ...

Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that.
We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one
of comparable worth.
Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.



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Johnny...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:54 pm

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we
saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was
good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She
said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I
was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word
'fascinate.'" Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
because Johnny was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there
was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
are so big she can only fasten 8."


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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Sun Dec 21, 2008 8:28 am

Hahaahahaha keep em comin oldboi!

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Sun Dec 21, 2008 8:29 am

was the week before Christmas and all through the school Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule. The children were busy with paper and paste; The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.

The teacher half frantic and almost in tears, Had just settled down to work with her dears, When out in the hall there arose such a clatter up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!

Away to the door they all flew like a flash; The one who was leading went down with a crash. Then what to their wondering eyes did appear But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)

When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick. She knew in a moment it must be (the janator) Old Nick! She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain) But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name;

"Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry! Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry! Now get to your places get away from the hall Now get away! Get away! Get away all!

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by. They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle; Their faces were shining and each had a smile.

First came a basket of popcorn to string -Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing). As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout; The pupils were merrily romping about.

The state they were in could lead to a riot; The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it. Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing! The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!

The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask; It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task. The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer, But the children ignored it; they did every year.

A tear from her eye and a shake of her head Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead. She spoke not a word but went straight to her work, Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.

But at last it was finished and placed on the tree; Then came the bell and the children were free! Their shrill little voices soon faded away And peace was restored at the end of the day. As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall, She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!


ras

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Sun Dec 21, 2008 8:30 am

nce upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life was, of course "perfect."

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a SUV) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was an accident.


More xmas jokes to come Smile

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Sun Dec 21, 2008 8:32 am

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Sun Dec 21, 2008 8:38 am

I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up wom- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL drink

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Insurance ...

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 23, 2008 9:59 am

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was
having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly
100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,
the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales
pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't
have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only
has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send
into battle first?"


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Why I Fired My Secretary ...

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 23, 2008 10:50 am

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.


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Three wishes...

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 23, 2008 10:52 am

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front
porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy
godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be
granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really
rich."

** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful
princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of
them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak,
he saunters across the porch in his catlike way and whispers in her
ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, aren't you?"


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Re: Jokes

Post  PaNDa on Fri Dec 26, 2008 4:37 am

hahah brilliant
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Re: Jokes

Post  Attack on Fri Dec 26, 2008 7:19 am

Good 1 Oldboi.. hahaha

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Re: Jokes

Post  PaNDa on Mon Dec 29, 2008 2:14 am

I wish I had some sort of talent to make jokes lol, I'm great laughing at them, but, if it comes to making one. I suck at it Very Happy:D Very Happy
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Good job.........

Post  oldboi3 on Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:33 pm

Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man". The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds". The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".


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Interesting Facts...

Post  oldboi3 on Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:37 pm

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)


2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)


3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)
(How'd they figure this out, and why?)


4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing)
(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)


5. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)


6. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)


7. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)


8. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)


9. Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)


10. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)


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An the rest...

Post  oldboi3 on Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:38 pm

11. The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)


12. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
(Creepy)


13. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)


14. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)


15. Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)


16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)


17. Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too.)



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Re: Jokes

Post  DETTONATOR on Fri Jan 09, 2009 5:58 pm

Good to c taxpayers money goin to valuable and ultimately beneficial research which will inevitably futher mankind. ROFL well donr oldboi

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!



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Computers...

Post  oldboi3 on Mon Jan 12, 2009 3:28 am

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find
out whether computer is male or female: one group was male,
and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be
refereed to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better
model.

The group of men reported that computers should be refered to
as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is
incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



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Re: Jokes

Post  Attack on Mon Jan 12, 2009 7:10 am

lolz haha so TRU oldboi!!

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Mon Jan 12, 2009 2:41 pm

A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year

Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.

Bloody good value that!

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Opp's .............

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:41 am

A florist received an outraged telephone call from a man who had moved his restaurant to a new spot in town. The restaurant owner had been sent a funeral wreath along with a card that read: SINCEREST SYMPATHIES. The florist realized that he must have mixed up two orders and shuddered to think of the flowers that should have gone to the restaurant man.He had sent to the funeral a clover design of red roses across which was a bright green ribbon bearing the inscription:


BEST OF LUCK IN YOUR NEW LOCATION.



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Fact ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:43 am

Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.


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Another ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:45 am

What's the definition of a real loser?

A guy who has a wet dream and gets HIV.



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1 more... hehehe

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Jan 17, 2009 12:48 am

Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Two. ( But I have no idea how they get in there. )


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Re: Jokes

Post  yamum on Sat Jan 17, 2009 3:22 am

Hahahahahahaha love them oldboi.....Keep em coming thumbsup rofl thumbsup

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Sun Jan 18, 2009 12:42 am

*Lessons*

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man
headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he
stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old
man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never danced,* and
I've never wanted to*.'

A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well,
youold fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's
feet. The old prospector in order not to get a toe blown off or his boots
perforated, was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and
everybody was laughing fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man
turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shot-gun, and cocked
both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through
the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger
heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was
almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old
timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to
swallow. The barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.

The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's arse?'

The young bully swallowed hard and said, 'No sir,* but I've always wanted to*.'

There are two lessons for us all here:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

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Hahaha....

Post  oldboi3 on Sun Jan 18, 2009 3:11 am

yourtheman

Exrlnt topstuff


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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Tue Jan 20, 2009 10:51 am

George:

We will miss you and your words of wisdom that brought tears to our eyes!





'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush


'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush

'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush
rofl rofl rofl rofl

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Re: Jokes

Post  Modnar on Thu Jan 22, 2009 10:52 am

Since its a good time for Bushisms:

"I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."

or if you want loads of them:
http://www.slate.com/id/76886/
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Trueism...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:42 pm

Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.



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They did it there way...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:45 pm

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!


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Bedtime...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:48 pm

A priest said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"


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Got him good ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:51 pm

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."


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Lucky eh ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:57 pm

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously
drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm
drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I
thought I was a cripple."


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Good Place to eat ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:58 pm

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like
one of your special
full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat
girls reply from behind
the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man.
"What do you mean your way?" comes the reply.
The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look
like I have snotted
on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot
on the top, and
freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with
grease, with more rind
than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease
trickles in to the snotty egg
and beans."
"I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy
little fat girl.
"WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.


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Sexy...

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Jan 28, 2009 8:05 am

Must forget to remeber these .........


# A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment."

He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."


# A wife gets naked and asks her hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty
face or my sexy body?"

Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor!"



# An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just
let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'



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How to get outta trouble.........

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Jan 28, 2009 8:08 am

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me --
a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a
divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell
you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began --

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took
pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin,
not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for
three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and
while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the
designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because
you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued -
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to
the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'



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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Sat Jan 31, 2009 7:10 am

Indian Student
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramaniam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, 'Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're f***ed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, I think it was George Bush, Iraq , 2007..'

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Re: Jokes

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