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Jokes

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Hahaha..................

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 03, 2008 12:29 am

thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup
Can't see the prob with that tho. wink


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An inferiority complex..............

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 03, 2008 2:34 am

Private Milton went to psychiatrist and complained: "I have an inferiority complex."

"Nothing I can do for you", said the doc.

"In the Army privates don't have an inferiority complex... they're just inferior..."



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Are You Really Sure?

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 03, 2008 2:41 am

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


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New Samurai

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 03, 2008 2:53 am

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only 3 people show up, a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out>pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. "That is really impressive."

The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, "why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai replies, "If you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!"


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Re: Jokes

Post  Antwally0 on Wed Dec 03, 2008 6:19 am

Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright,
white couple.
Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black
baby,
and set to work. Nine months later, the fruit of their labour was born:
a
lovely white girl.
Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why
they
hadn't parented a black baby.
Realising that John was somewhat dim, the fellow took him aside and
asked,
"Is your d*ck at least a foot long?"
John had to admit that it was not.
"And is it at least four inches wide?"
Once more John replied in the negative.
"Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You
let in too much light!"
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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Wed Dec 03, 2008 8:10 am

laugh Love em oldboi

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Re: Jokes

Post  Attack on Wed Dec 03, 2008 8:51 am

Yeah u got a few corkers

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Kool !!!

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:28 pm

fonzy
Hahaha, good 1 .


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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:35 am

rofl rofl rofl

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Little Johnny...........

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 09, 2008 2:04 am

Teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My momma had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."


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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 09, 2008 5:12 am

haha nice one oldboi keep them comin thumbsup

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Impossible to Please !!!

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 10, 2008 4:49 am

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."



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Is Windows a Virus

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 10, 2008 4:53 am

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug !!!


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Addicted to Internet Porn !!!

Post  oldboi3 on Wed Dec 10, 2008 5:01 am

Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn

- During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.

- His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a tissue dispenser.

- When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll down."

- Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."

- He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.

- Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.

- When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click on her."

- You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia Carrera burned into his corneas.

- As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his birthday.

- During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"

- His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet covering you... he pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.


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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Wed Dec 10, 2008 5:13 am

LMAO!!! where do you get these!!

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:01 am

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,�


'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'�
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle�
ALL of these chickens.�
Look what it has done to me�
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'�
The young rooster says,�
'Beat it: You are washed up�
And I am taking over.'�
The old rooster says,�
'I tell you what, young stud.�
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.�
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.�
So, just to be fair,�
I will give you a head start.'�


The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.�


He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch�
When he sees the roosters running by.�
The Old Rooster is squalking�
And running as hard as he can.�
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -�
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,�
�'Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'


Moral of this�
Story? ....�


Don't mess with the� OLD FARTS -�
Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
Always overcome youth and arrogance!�

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:16 am

Haha awesome moral, i'll remember that one thumbsup

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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:33 am

LOL @ Roosters

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:44 am

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the
> > motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in
> > his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the
> > service manager to come to take a look at his car.
> >
> > The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello
> > Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."
> >
> > The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to
> > the mechanic.
> >
> >
> >
> > The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a
> > rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at
> > this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em,
> > put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new
> > one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is
> > doing basically the same work? "
> >
> > The doctor leaned over and whispered to the
> > mechanic.....
> >
> > .
> > .
> >
> >
> >
> > .
> > .
> > .
> > He said: " Try to do it when the engine is
> > running ".

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Hahaha...

Post  oldboi3 on Thu Dec 11, 2008 7:15 pm

Exrlnt... luv the 1st 1.

thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup


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Help needed ???

Post  oldboi3 on Thu Dec 11, 2008 7:40 pm

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


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Opp's...

Post  oldboi3 on Thu Dec 11, 2008 7:49 pm

The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to "deal with da situation".

Well, it doesn't take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with him, so the hood drags the guy to an interpreter.

The hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 S&W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf man frantically signs back, "The $100,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate." The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and furthermore, he doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."


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Re: Jokes

Post  Antwally0 on Fri Dec 12, 2008 12:16 am

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all

Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
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Hahaha...

Post  oldboi3 on Fri Dec 12, 2008 1:08 am

tissue
That was exrlnt, hehehe...

topstuff


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Re: Jokes

Post  Antwally0 on Fri Dec 12, 2008 5:30 am

An old, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated 'By cheque.I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'but let me tell you about my weekend!'
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Gee clever man...

Post  oldboi3 on Fri Dec 12, 2008 9:34 pm

ras
Hahaha that be good'n, hmm......... uhah


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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Sat Dec 13, 2008 12:01 am

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled You Can Be the��Man of Your House.

�He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing��a finger in her face, he said sternly,
�'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my� �word is law!��
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating��my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
�After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the��kind of sex that I want,
� After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will��wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
�Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess��who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'�

His wife replied, 'The bloody funeral director would be my guess.'

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Sat Dec 13, 2008 12:05 am

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped

beside him .'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?''Yes Sir,' the little girl said

�The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said

�'Nextyear, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!

'The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to

you?'Playing along with the girl, he answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'The little girl looked up at the cop and said

'Next year tell Santa The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Sat Dec 13, 2008 12:10 am

This morning on the Freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new


Holden Calaise


Doing 110 kms per hr


With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !


And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.


As a man,

I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;
I dropped


My electric shaver,


Which knocked

The meat pie

Out of my other hand.

In all
The confusion of trying


To straighten out the car


Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked

My Mobile phone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs,


Splashed,


And burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


Ruined the darn phone,


Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an


Important call.


Darn women drivers!!

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Hey hehehe ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Dec 13, 2008 2:35 am

Like the 1 bout the policeman grin

Exrlnt they are great.
topstuff


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Re: Jokes

Post  Satan on Sat Dec 13, 2008 6:24 pm

Hey guys... i want to take you into my room



and turn the lights of.....






and take you under my dooner covers......





and show you my.......



NEW GLOW IN THE DARK WATCH^_^ wtf were you thinking you sick bastards

2 gays are having sex and their house is on fire...Who getz out first?



the guy on the bottom coz his shits already packed

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Girls nite out ...

Post  oldboi3 on Sat Dec 13, 2008 11:46 pm

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'



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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Sun Dec 14, 2008 3:17 am

LOL!!!!!!!

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Get it rite...

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 16, 2008 12:11 am

On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals
concerning their "urges".

The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it,
squeeze my BOOB twice."

The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it,
pull my DONG 48 times."



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The percentages...

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 16, 2008 12:17 am

Have you all stopped to think where you fit in this equation? From a
strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people
who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over
100%. How about achieving 103%? Here¡¯s a little mathematical formula that
might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-*-T
21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S¡ÖK-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = a whopping 118%!!!!

So one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close and Attitude will
get you there, Bullsh*t and Ass Kissing will put you over the top!




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Opp's

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 16, 2008 12:21 am

A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.
"Not according to my radar," the trooper said.
"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.
"No you weren't!" the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when
he's been drinking."


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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:06 am

Haha, oldboi brilliant topstuff

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:30 am

A KIWI BLOKE WAS ON EARTH DOING THE HAKA.....


Meanwhile somewhere in space Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
KAMATE KAMATE KA-ORA KA-ORA......

The Aliens were very interested in what must be going through his mind right at this moment and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing!! So with the Aliens high-technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi blokes head and took a part of his brain away. The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen....
KA-MATE KA-MATE, KA-ORA KA-ORA.......

???WHAT THE???
The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing so they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain????.The Aliens watched on.
KA-MATE KA-MATE KA-ORA KA-ORA......

???WHAT THE???
The Aliens then figured these kiwis must be very clever people even with half a brain. So they wanted to see what would happen if they took the remainder of his brain away and left him with no knowledge what so ever! So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down which took the final part of the Kiwis brain. Now surely he won't know anything at all, he should be too dumb to do anything now?

So the Aliens watched on as the bloke with no brains left then started singing,
WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA..........

Ha soz guys ras

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:34 am

A bad lawyer

16> His idea of a key immunity deal involves penicillin shots.

15> Open argument in which he called the prosecutor a "Doo-Doo
Head" could hurt your case.
14> Tries to cheer you up by saying how great you look in orange.
13> In the middle of your trial, he crawls underneath the bench
and actually tries to "please the court."
12> Uses rhyming couplets like Johnny Cochran, but they all end
with "Nantucket."
11> Giggles hysterically at the mere mention of the Penal Code.
10> Keeps trying to call a witness named "Johnny, the Trouser
Troll."
9> A closer look at his diploma reveals it's from Yale
Lock School.
8> The only question she can come up with during cross-
examination is, "Isn't it true that you're a lying bastard?"
7> Constantly raising objections to the "vibes" he's getting
from the jury.
6> Every time the judge sustains one of his objections, he
screams, "Yahtzee!"
5> Dental problem forces her to use short, concise sentences
comprised of commonly used, clearly understood words.
4> Instead of saying "Your honor, I object," he now just rolls
his eyes and says, "Whatever."
3> Claims staring at your cleavage is a necessary part of the
"discovery" processes.
2> Offers to waive his usual fees in exchange for your panties.

and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Lawyer Isn't Working Out...

1> "Nice breasts, Your Honor."

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:36 am

WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES
1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and
tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
OR:
I want to call your mother and thank her.
3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of
the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in
case they say "yes."]
4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and
take what I want?
6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread
the word.
8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor
tomorrow morning.
10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
13. Can I flirt with you?
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of
buns.
15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":]
Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if you're the right size.
16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
19. I like every bone in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. So... How am I doin'?
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet
clothes?
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
30. The first time is always the hardest.
31. Excuse me, are you on the pill?
32. Hi there. Do you swallow?
33. Wow! Are those real?
34. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
35. Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it?
36. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
37. Bond. James Bond.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to
guess your weight.
40. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
41. I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your
name was included.
42. I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see
a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
43. So, do you wanna see something really swell?
44. I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?
45. Do you take it up the ass?
46. Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
47. Have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc in you?
Uh...no....
Well, do you want some?
48. What would you do if I kissed you right now?
49. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was
wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
50. Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with *these* two fingers?
(holding up any two)
Obvious reply: No, why?
Because they're mine.
51. I'm drunk.
52. Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
53. I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
54. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears
someone beat me to it.
55. Ever tried those weird prickly condoms?
56. Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
57. You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
58. Do you sleep on your stomach?
No.
Can I?
59. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
60. Pull my finger.
61. Hey baby, let's go back to my place and get something straight
between us.
62. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
63. Do you wanna go out for a pizza and a fuck?
What, don't you like pizza?
64. Your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas.
Can I come between the holidays?
65. (Use index finger to call someone over then say) I made you come with
one finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand.
66. Your underwear must be made out of Windex, because I can see myself
in them tonight.
67. They say love is a many splendored thing. Let's make some and find
out...
68. Hi. I go down on the first date...how about you?
69. Hi, what's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
70. To a woman: Hey baby, can i tickle your belly from the inside?
71. Do you like apples? [Yes] How 'bout I take ya home and fuck the shit
out of ya, how'd ya like dem apples?
72. Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize?
73. Hi! Can I buy you a car?
74. Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
75. I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your
ass when I'm finished.
76. Will you marry me and have my children?
(unfortunate side-effects: beware!)
77. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a
weak heart.
78. I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles
bitch!
79. Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.
80. Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?

Enjoy ras

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:39 am

Before and after she moves in

Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and you hold
your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a gorgeous sex
kitten and you tell her so;
you're so sweet and adorable, and blow jobs follow ambient dinners
like a fine port.

After she moves in, she farts in her grungy trackie bottoms while
hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your nuts unashamedly and
bitch about work; oral sex is strictly quid pro quo and the new girl
in the office really does have a great arse.

Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.

1.Addictions

Before:

You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold beer on a
hot day with your mates, and that you've taken recreational
drugs but those days are well and truly over.

After:

For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto, dig out
your stash and skin up, pass out in the lounge in your underpants
and expect her to accept that you're just being you.

2.Bodily functions

Before:

You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side of the
bowl to reduce noise and never, ever fart in her presence.

After:

You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious pride,
commenting on the food intake for the day and speculating
on the resultant odour. Despite repeated pleas to the
contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head under the
covers. You think it's hilarious.

3.Relations/Friends

Before:

Her Auntie Jane is a real character with a lively
personality and interesting views about politics, and
her unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine,
charming supportive friend who you think is really
nice.

After:

Auntie Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist
with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a
manipulative loser, but you wouldn't mind doing her
if the opportunity arose.

4.Sex

Before:

Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that lasts for
hours. You have sex to impress, using all your tricks .
Having sex four times a day is not uncommon.

After:

A wank is often preferable to the effort of sex.
When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.

5.Attention span

Before:

Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive; her
anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding.
Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest
and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her
childhood.

After:

Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions anything
that doesn't involve you. What's more, you develop the
uncanny ability to be able to concentrate on the T.V
and listen to her at the same time. The phrase,
"Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening mantra.

6.The flip side (the female perspective)

Before:

She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a sexual
athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and devoid of
all crass male habits which have plagued her previous
relationships.....but she suspects that you're full of
shit.

After:

She knows you're full of shit.

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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 1:43 am

Great Comebacks to dickhead come-ons..............
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit
down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a
rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar
for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

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Re: Jokes

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 16, 2008 2:09 am

thumbsup thumbsup thumbsup
Before an after, fonzy
Can't member last tym me used pikup line's, winking
Dunno bout the aussie 1, tease
An lawyers, well, uhah


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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 2:22 am

Lol, Cool


Last edited by R.Dobbs on Wed Dec 17, 2008 11:23 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Jokes

Post  Attack on Tue Dec 16, 2008 2:38 am

rofl thumbsup

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Re: Jokes

Post  Something8r on Tue Dec 16, 2008 2:56 am

laugh Love the pickup lines, classic thumbsup

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Re: Jokes

Post  Brotherofzit on Tue Dec 16, 2008 3:45 am

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Guyra. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's paddock on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer from Ward's Mistake Road drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this paddock, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you're not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial barristers in this State and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the New England area. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule'.'

The lawyer demanded of the older farmer, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

(I love this part)
The old farmer smiled and said,
>
>
>
>
>
'Nah, I give up! You can have the duck.'

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Sob.......

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 16, 2008 7:01 am

tissue topstuff
Hahaha exrlnt luv it.
thumbsup


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Pooter's cause this...

Post  oldboi3 on Tue Dec 16, 2008 9:27 am

Quote ;
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.



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Re: Jokes

Post  Guest on Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:15 pm

Constuction Worker

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

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Re: Jokes

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